With apologies to many hard-working responsive and ethical recruiters and companies.
I wish to apply for the role of xxxx on behalf of my dog Lexi. I attach her cv and photograph. I know that you don’t normally ask for photos and that to discriminate on looks is probably illegal, but she is very cute. I would expect you to be entirely professional about this, but if you do get to meet her I can provide treats for you to give her and she will be your friend and lick you.
You may be a little surprised that my dog is applying but I am assuming that she has as much chance as I have of getting an interview. When I applied for the role my cv matched your job description exactly and I have all the personal qualities listed. I can only imagine that your response to me must have been lost when my email server went down (although I wasn’t aware that it had). Your website describes your company values and I couldn’t imagine that you wouldn’t at least reply. In fact there have been some companies that I had an interview with who didn’t reply even after I had met them. Maybe if I’d taken my dog with me I would have been more memorable and had a response.
Given that you have been advertising the role for some time and continue to do so I can only imagine that you are finding it hard to recruit the right person, so Lexi could be a good solution.
Anyway, Lexi is very collaborative which is one of the skills that you are looking for. She is very open to anyone throwing her ball for her and will often bring it back, so she’s very easy to work with. I have found that introduced to a group of people she will often lift the mood and so will be a great asset in the office.
Her stakeholder management skills are second to none as she usually is very persuasive. She achieves this by staring at people with big eyes, a bit like the cat in Shrek. By the way if you’re more of a cat person we did have cats but sadly the last one disappeared recently otherwise I could have applied for her as well.
There is no question that Lexi is better behaved than many people. She has never thrown up due to drunkeness, is good to children, and doesn’t smash up city centres after football matches. She is clean and tidy — much more so than people, given the evidence of my local park or any beach after a sunny day. I have a good supply of poo bags for the only deposits she is likely to leave behind.
I believe that if Lexi is required to fill in a personality profile (I hope it will be ok for me to press the buttons on her behalf) she will sail through. She is assertive, ambitious, collaborative (as I’ve said), attentive, kind (she lets children stroke her), all positive attributes in a busy office.
Her cognitive abilities are also outstanding. She has great verbal reasoning skills, responding to words such as ‘sit’, ‘come’, ‘stay’ (for a while) etc as she reasons that she will earn a treat as a result, which is sometimes true. Lexi has good numerical skills. If there is one treat to her left and two treats to her right, she will turn to the right.
You don’t need to worry if the psychometric tests aren’t especially relevant to the job as that seems to be normal, although they are quite useful at reducing the annoyingly large number of applicants by applying an arbitrary pass mark that has been determined by highly qualified experts who have never done the job being applied for. You may find it simpler to spin a coin. If you do save a lot of money by taking this approach please send me a cut.
I hope it will be possible to make some reasonable accommodations to the office space for Lexi. A small grass mat in the toilets (or suitable location) would be required, and an open space where ball throwing is permitted would be desirable. The canteen may need to review the menu. I would assume that sleeping on the job is not an issue as you offer flexible working arrangements.
I note that your office is located on a flood plain. Should it be required Lexi is a good swimmer, and could potentially perform a first aid role by towing non-swimmers to safety. Provision would have to be made for a supply of small sticks to encourage her to go in the right direction. I attach a further photo by way of illustration.
With regard to salary Lexi’s demands are quite modest, and she would be ok with the same shamefully low amount that you would have paid me had I not missed your reply.
If you do decide to invite Lexi for an interview the best question to ask her is ‘How are you feeling?’ because then she can say ‘Ruff’. It may be best for the rest of the interview to be skills based, as she can sometimes lose interest in having a conversation. Mind you, if she gets too excited she can shout quite a lot, which could be useful if burglars are in the vicinity.
The one possible drawback is that Lexi has little concept of your brand or what you company does. To be frank the same applies to me, despite the fact that I said in my application that yours was the only company I’d ever wanted to work for (I’m not sure if you got that far in the letter). I’d copied that bit from a website to which I’d paid several hundred pounds that guaranteed to get me any job I wanted. That clearly didn’t work and I will have to consult my learned friends about a remedy. Nevertheless I hope that Lexi’s honesty will count in her favour if you read as far as this.
Please do not attempt to reply to this application by email as it appears to be unreliable. Even the postal service isn’t what it used to be. I suggest that you leave the interview invitation with your receptionist (not sooner than one week please), and the next time I’m going past when taking Lexi for a walk I’ll drop in and pick it up. Please also ensure that there is a bowl of water and an appropriate treat. Mine’s a pint.
Nick Gassman (on behalf of Lexi)
Originally published at nickgassman.com on July 13, 2018.